So much there
was of me, O God,
When at the
first you deigned to come my way.
So filled with
good resolve was I
To give my
life to you—“Please take it all, O God, I pray.”
“All that I am
and hope to be.
O hear again
the fervent prayer I give.
All else in
life is meaningless
And vain—for
you and you alone forever would I live.”
Could human
heart be more devout?
Or give so
much, or lay the soul so bare?
Has not the
Master now His prize?
And did the
angels not rejoice at loving gift so fair?
Were not these
words the ones with which
I came to you
in sacred sacrifice,
And knelt in
brokenness before your throne
And gave to
you my all and prayed, O God, it would suffice?
The price
seemed not too much to pay.
Serenity
replaced the frenzied pace
With which one
sought fulfillment vain.
What need had
one for aught beside the wonder of God’s grace?
So new was all
and filled with light;
With eagerness
I sought to know His Word.
Though
troubles came and trials sore,
Yet, what
could e’er becloud the sweet communion with my Lord?
And then it
came—the darkness black
So slowly
stealing—turning day to night
O’ershadowing
the face of Christ,
With human
thoughts and fears emerging in the fading light.
And peace,
too, fled away, and trust.
Before the
overwhelming tide of doubt
And
turbulence, while in the din
The Master’s
voice was fading as the tempter drowned Him out.
And thus there
came in strident tone
The mocking
voice I once had known so well.
“Where now is
He—this God of yours?
And where the
sweet companion that you claim had come to dwell?”
“Your thought
He cared, this God of yours.
It really was
a scam, you surely see.
Your were not
good enough for Him;
You were not
of the holy realm, nor could you ever be.”
“You gave to
Him your life, your all;
But He
despised the gift and let you live
In
wretchedness—a worthless thing—
Though it was
yet to you the whole of all you had to give.”
“Abandon now
your mystic dreams;
And as for
God—His way is not for you.
He does not
seem to hear your cry
For true
fulfillment and important things for you to do.”
“But stay, no
need for vain regret.
Let not your
time and talent go awaste.
Take back your
gift—recover that
Which once,
naive, you gave to Him in brokenness.”
“Let others
talk of holy things
And chase the
fantasies of selflessness
‘Tis much too
hard for you to bear
You need a
life of your own choosing—free of trial and stress.”
“Oh
wretchness! Oh misery!”
The sinking
heart cries out in blind despair.
“I have no
faith; I have no hope.
The words the
prince of darkness speaks, I can no longer bear.
Where are you
God? Why have you left?
Oh why did you
despise the gift I gave?
Was it not
good enough for you?
Is there too
much in me of earth for even you to save?”
Comes then
from deep within the shade
A thought, a
whisper (whatso’er it be).
“I ne’er have
left you, foolish one;
There is no
darkness black enough to hide your heart from me.”
“But why could
not I see or hear?”
“‘Twas not
because you did not have enough;
It was because
you had too much.
And soon your
efforts noble took my place and cut me off.”
“There is not
gift the flesh can give
But what the
taint of sin will bring to naught.
So come in
nothingness to me.
Bereft of all
but broken heart, for that my blood has bought.
“The light you
trusted in was yours—
The human lamp
of faithfulness and zeal.
And all the
night that swept your soul,
The failure of
that human torch—the light you thought was real.
“You could not
see, beyond the soul,
The
Spirit-citadel of faith and light.
There was no
darkness there at all,
While you,
without the walls in dark despair did mourn your plight.
“For moment
small my face was hid
By all the
good there was yet left of you.
You did not
know you gave me naught
Without my Holy Spirit there is nothing you can do.”
David
Morsey